I hate it when there's things about your family that you suddenly find out about... things that aren't so pleasant.

:/

End of the year pack/clean-up is the worst when returning home from college.

It's normal that you'd have more things towards the end of the year than when you first moved in.

It's just that my poor foresight and planning resulted in me holding on to things I could have told my mom to take home with other things, so now I'm sitting here looking at all the clothes, foodstuffs, bags and things that is somehow supposed to all fit in my mom's car.

...it's not happening, tbh.

I want to call my aunt J and ask if she's free Thursday to help bring some of my things home, but I also don't want to because I HATE doing last minute things (when they can be avoided) to myself and others.

I'll call my mom and see what to do, I guess.

My Sophomore year is over.

I'm just waiting to be home again.

2/5 final exams done.

I wanna go home.

Adventure~

I'm currently en route to Princeton University for a conference on East Asian pop culture~!

I'm stoked for this since I'm going with a friend and an acquaintance, but I'm peeved because I got my period yesterday and I broke out a few days ago (I should have figured it out when that happened but oh well).

My face is so bumpy, I hate it. I hate even more that I don't have any more tea tree oil or toner (I've been run out of that actually) or that I didn't apply lemon juice as frequently as I should have.

:(

I have four final exams next week.

One every day except Wednesday.

Help.

Today has been a shitty day.

The end.

What does a girl gotta do to get some dick around here??

I mean, I've noticed that I've been horny more frequently lately, especially when I go in the Kyuhyun and Onew tags on tumblr (but it really goes without saying for those two).

It's biology, and I understand it, but DAMMIT.

Hell, I just need some kind of contact.

Mehhhhhhh.

I want...

I want to touch you.

I want to kiss you.

And love you.

And feel you.

I know it's the alcohol talking right now, but it's true.

I want you more than you know.

So I talked to a good friend a couple weeks ago when it was Spring Break about my predicament.

We both agreed that I don't like him romantically, but I like his presence. His existence.

That doesn't sound weird at all.

But yeah. The nickname is staying though. Nothing's wrong with that, right?

I dreamt about him for the second time last night

While I'm glad it finally happened, a part of me wishes it didn't.

From what I recall, in my dream I knew you were coming to see me, and I knew our reunion was one after being so far from each other for quite some time.

You came to my house, my room, and we embraced and it was great. I think you were wearing a suit, or something fancy like that. I don't know why though.

But what really got me shocked was that after we hugged and I moved over on my bed to give you room, you started massaging my butt... you were drawing a line or two with a finger and I kept moaning. I've never really had sexual contact with anyone ever but perhaps that's one of my erogenous zones??

And the more I moaned the more you smiled and kept touching me... it was quite strange. You stopped after a little while and we were talking like everything was normal.

I think we also went somewhere together, but I can't remember really. I just remember seeing your face after so long and being so happy.



I think I need to stay away from your Facebook page for a while. That's probably why I had this dream, because I was looking through it before I went to bed.

I'm just so. damn. confused.

Panda Bear

FUCK.

I made the mistake of going through your pictures of you in China, and I ended up coming up with a nickname for you based on a few up there.

Panda.

I like it, and I think it's cute, but I'm supposed to be distancing myself from you.

Not coming up with cutesy nicknames that make me wanna be closer to you.

Not only do I miss you, but I miss the things that remind me of you.

Like your bike.

I left the dorm a few days ago and saw a red one left against the railings of the steps on the walkway.

I think it might have been the same model, or at least it was very similar.

For a moment, I pretended that it was your bike, and that you came to my dorm to see me.

The other day as I was approaching the library, I saw someone that reminded me of you.

He back was turned, but almost every part of him screamed "you".

His build was slender but sturdy like yours, and he wore his pants, hoodie and even a backwards cap like you.

As I walked past, he face gave himself away but it wasn't hard to pretend.

In case things change...

In case things aren't as I hoped...

I'm going to start distancing myself from you.

It's for protection... not because I like you any less.

I just don't want to be hurt, is all.

Maybe then these feelings will get sorted out if I do that.

Now that I remember what you look like, I find myself missing you more and more.

And I hate it.

I forgot what you looked like.

No matter how many memories I thought of or the places we were together, I couldn't seem to remember your face. Even when I went to your page to see the new places you went to.

But I checked it and saw some new pictures the other day... now I remember.

I remember when I'd see you walking up to me, or coming around a corner.

And now I'm happy.

If we ever meet again,

I want to take you to a quiet place.

A place where it is just us two and nature.

A place where we don't need to say a word.

A place for us to just be.

Memories...

After unpacking my things in my dorm room, I decided to go for a walk to clear my sinuses and head. Somehow, I ended up on that gravel path we walked together last spring for that geology lab extra credit assignment. Although I felt really dumb that I lead you the wrong way, I was secretly glad that it was just us two walking there together.

I walked on the side you walked on, and I kept thinking back to that day... I wonder, what would it have been like if you were on my side as I walked? I also wondered what it would have been like if we were walking that path together holding hands, talking or just staying silent. I wondered a lot of things on that long stretch.

I got the the end and found the little wooden outstretch onto Lake Matoaka with the bench. It was eerie and foggy and a little cold, but I stood there reliving that bright(er) day. I remembered you skipped a couple of rocks, and you were joking about me getting into the water... I laughed you off and probably raised my voice at you in protest like I usually did.

I tried to skip a couple of rocks like you, perhaps to feel as if you really were there with me, but, well, it didn't quite work. At all. I just laughed it off and turned and left.

Favorites

I remember that day when I was with Aaron and we saw you standing at the bus stop.

What you said to me (us) will always be ingrained in my mind.

"Hey, it's my two favorite people!"

You may never know how happy those six words made me that day.

A Winter Dream

I don't know why I dreamt of him last night. I find it weird because I consciously don't have feels for him, but I have noticed that I have been thinking of him quite often for sometime. But the dream... it was so real. Like, it was a traditional wedding, and there were colors everywhere. I remember some people from his side [of the family] weren't too joyful, and in the dream I knew it was due to the nature of our relationship. What is strange is that I could see the two of us, yet I was experiencing everything at the same time... almost like a semi-out-of-body experience.

But the happiest part of it all was when he spun me around like a child. It could only have been no more than 5-7 spins, but it felt like 100. I remember us two smiling so genuinely, and joy and happiness was bursting from us so much. I don't know what all this could mean, so I'll just see how things play out.


~
This was actually a dream I had about a year ago on January 28, 2012. I wrote the above down when I woke the next morning in a journal but removed the page when I stopped using it. I hid it in a drawer in my room at home and while packing my things for my return to school, I found it.

I Don't Even Know If I Like You

You've been on my mind many times. I've felt the fluttering butterflies, the heart racing, the warm cheeks. I've gone to your Facebook page so many times just to see if there was anything new. I loved it when you started chatting to me first, even if it was about school and housing things. I missed that.

Since I've gotten to know you, I love the kind of person you are. You're genuinely kind, and a great conversationalist. Is that a word? I don't know. What I do know is that you've done something to me.

I've been in this part of town so much, at this street corner and at that light trying to figure out what these feelings are. I can't figure out how I should proceed. Should I just let the red light keep me still, or go with caution on the yellow? Full speed ahead for green? I don't even think the traffic light is working properly, because I'm spinning around.

Honestly, I think I do have feelings for you yet at the same time, I know something is holding me back, keeping me from knowing for sure that I like you. I think it's just... perhaps I just want your company for now.

If from what I gathered from our conversation is true, then one more semester and a summer is what is keeping me from seeing you again. I wonder how you'll look. Act. Be. I'm sure you'll still be the same from when I saw you last.

And right now, I think that just having you around is what I need.