All I needed was the self-reassurance that I could do it. I just needed the confidence, the drive, the willpower. It's times like these that I remember that although I am an adult according the the law, I am nothing but a child according to myself. Nothing but a weak, sniveling, vulnerable little girl. My emotions are all over the place and I hate it.
Of course, I knew I had a 50/50 chance in this situation. I'd get my question answered with a simple yes or no, and whichever response I got would determine which path I would take. I was at a fork in the road, and as much as I wished to, I couldn't turn back. I'd come too far to back out now. I was sure I would be able to withstand either road.
But fate had something else up her sleeve. She wanted to be the one in control, not me. She chose the path for me without any influence on my part, and she did not care if my feelings liked it or not. What I thought was a simple bout of forgetfulness on my part turned out to be the biggest shock I would get in a very long time. There was no way I would have been prepared for this at all.
Around the corner was where I saw you and her, too close together for any excuses to be made. Neither of you saw me, and even if you did it would not have made a difference; it would have just been a simple situation in which some unknowing stranger came upon a couple having an intimate moment. But at that moment, I was not the unknowing stranger. Oh, I knew, alright. At least I did now. Turning away as quick as I could, I waited until I was far, far away to let the first teardrop fall. And then another. And another. And another.
I blame nobody but myself. Had I said something earlier, I might have had a chance. Even if there wasn't a place for me in your heart, even being your friend would have sufficed, for at least I would have you by my side in some sense. It is too late now for even that, because now that I know where your heart lies, I would always have that reminder as to who holds it.
I am nothing but a child right now. Simple. Afraid. Lonely. My heart is raw with sadness, and my mind with the knowledge that you cannot be mine. I am nothing but a child, and if you were to know me, that is all you might see.
